On the Meaning of Fine
Sometimes it feels as though Jake (my boyfriend) and I speak two different languages. I know that, in reality, we are both speaking English and were both taught the same words. The meanings of these words, however, are often not the same. The definitions his family, peers, and experiences linked to words are not the same definitions I was taught. And for reasons I don’t fully understand, Jake also uses words like I use money: which is to say sparingly and, in many cases, not at all if it can be avoided.
Because communication is vital, though, for the health of a relationship, I have spent the past few years studying my boyfriend’s language. Trying to unlock its secrets and plumb its hidden depths so that he and I can actually communicate. I have found in this study, the largest gap in our languages surrounds words used to detail, describe, and express emotion. For example, when asked the question, “How do you feel today?” the base emotion may be the same, but our answers will be very different. To the right are a few examples I have discovered in my studies.
As you can see from these examples, Jake is pretty much always and forever “fine.” For the longest time, I thought he did not understand what the word meant. I mean how can one word truly apply to so many emotions? It just didn’t make sense. But I started paying close attention to how others in our society use the word “fine”, and I realized I was the one who didn’t actually understand the true nuanced meaning of this word. For such a small word, it packs a huge punch. In this blog, I want to do the word “Fine” justice by exploring the many meanings of this tiny word.
Defining Fine
The first meaning of the word fine is the one I know and use. When I say I am fine, what I mean is I feel neutral. I feel neither happy nor sad. Neither angry nor peaceful. I simply am. If emotion were a playground wobble board, this meaning of fine would indicate the wobble board is balanced. There is no real emotion currently being felt, so there is nothing to express. It is the center point with minimal to no deviations.
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The next meaning of the word fine, is the one my boyfriend uses. When he says “I’m fine” what he typically means is that his current emotional experiences are within normal operating parameters, and while deviations may be occurring from the central point, they are to be expected and do not require intervention. Essentially, with this meaning of fine, you may be a bit happy or a bit sad or a bit angry. But it is all just a normal part of your typical experience. After all, emotions often fluctuate from moment to moment, experience to experience. So, deviations from a centered, balanced point are to be expected if you are alive and living your life. These minor fluctuations are nothing to be concerned about. Essentially, you are actively wobbling on the board, but you have not yet fallen off.
The third definition of fine is when it is used as an acronym: Frustrated Insecure Neurotic and Emotional. Essentially, when used with this meaning it is a lie or a mask. You are, in fact, not fine at all. You are struggling, depressed, upset, or not acceptable. You have fallen of the wobble board and faceplanted into the wooden mulch.
There is one last definition of fine out there as well: fine as a placeholder. Under this definition fine is used the same way as “thing” or “stuff”. It is a generic, broad term for any and all emotional experience. It is basically the same as saying “I am insert emotion.”
The Many Meanings
The word fine seems to have taken a downhill slope from its origins. Originally it was used to indicate something was top notch or high grade. Over time, it began being applied to things that were simply satisfactory or acceptable. From there it took a nose dive into indicating things were not very good at all. What gives?
I think, the first and second definitions I discussed above are saying the same thing: my emotional experiences are within acceptable range. It’s just the person’s perception that alters the meaning. My boyfriend is a person who is relatively emotionally stable and not prone to histrionics. For him a large deviation from neutral is perfectly acceptable. If emotion were a 1 to 10 scale and 5 was the exact center, he would be ok with deviations up or down by 2 or 3 points. Because he knows that these deviations will resolve and he will land back at 5 with no fuss. Thus fine, to him, fine covers the whole range of experience between 2 and 8.
I, however, am prone to histrionics. I have a heavy history, both personal and genetic, of emotions hijacking control of my life. Too many times a mere 4 on that scale has quickly escalated to a -2, and I am so depressed I no longer want to live. So for me, even a minor deviation or shift from the center point is a reason for concern. I have learned that I have to carefully monitor my emotions, be aware of them, contain them, channel them. Because if I don’t, they will run away and take me with them. This means that for me fine only covers the range of experience between 4.5 - 5.5.
In the case of both of these definitions, both parties are actually saying the same thing. But their own experiences and perceptions have altered what “acceptable” actually looks like or what “satisfactory” actually feels like. This, I think, is part of where the meaning of the word fine begins to branch. It is being used to described a single cross-section of emotional experience. But all of us experience emotions so differently, and have such varied experiences with emotions (both ours and others) that the size of that cross section varies considerably. Which means that one person’s fine is another person’s hypomania.
The third definition of fine, fine as a lie, is usually used for two main reasons. First, because society wants you to lie. Society would prefer we be neutral to mildly content all the time, with certain exceptions allowed when displayed neatly in the context of a socially approved event. Unless you have a valid (by society standard’s reason) being ecstatic is embarrassing, being sad is displaying weakness, being angry is downright destructive. Now if you are getting married, lost a loved one, or got a flat tire, then all of those emotions are possibly ok. But only for a limited amount of time, and only if they don’t interfere with your ability to keep fitting in with society.
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What this means then is that being anything but “fine” is frowned upon. Most especially if that emotion is negative. So, unless you want to deal with other’s disapproval about your sadness or want to defend your anger, it’s just easier to say fine. It’s easier to give people the answer they expect. This is especially true if you buy into the stigma that society sells about mental health struggles. Because if you do, you will likely feel obligated to put on a smile, because doing anything else would be “selfish” or “weak” or whatever nonsense adjective society wants to label it that day. Heck, in some careers, such as anything customer facing, it’s not just stigma that forces you to give this answer, it’s company policy. When you use fine in this context what it usually actually means is “Societal expectations dictate that it is inappropriate for me to discuss my emotions, so I’m not going to share my feelings with you.”
The other reason fine is used as a lie is to defend your privacy and your resources. You tell people “I’m fine” because you don’t have the energy, time, desire, or words to explain what is going on with you. Too often when people ask “How’re you doing?” it’s not a real question, it’s just a societally scripted greeting. They don’t want to know how you are feeling, so you don’t tell them. And other times people ask and they want to know, but you’re not ready, willing, or able to share with them. When fine is used in this context, it typically really means “I don’t want to share my emotions with you. Leave me alone.” And you hope, that by saying it with just the right tone, they hear this and leave you in peace and privacy.
The last meaning of fine, fine as a placeholder, also stems from society’s disapproval and disregard for emotional experiences. The majority of us are taught very few emotional words. We are not given the vocabulary or educated in ways to express our emotions. If anything, many of us are taught to hide or bury our emotions. This means that even when we want to share, we may not be able to. We just don’t know how to take the feeling in our hearts or minds and break it down into sounds that will have any meaning to someone else. When fine is used in this context, it usually really means “I don’t know.”
The Importance of Meaning
Because fine has so many meanings, in a general sense it has lost its meaning. We are now just grasping in the dark trying to understand what it means. And, more often than not, we interpret it as meaning the person is not ok, they are struggling, or something is wrong. We make the automatic assumption that “I’m fine” now means “I feel horrible and wish someone would help me.” This new definition of fine can be fitting, sometimes. And is a great move forward in each of us being willing to be open about emotion and discuss it.
Unfortunately, though, fine doesn’t always mean this. Sometimes fine actually means fine, and pestering the person about “what’s really wrong” is only going to create a situation where there wasn’t one previously. Sometimes fine means leave me alone, and continuing to ask the person to share with you is invasive. Sometimes fine means I don’t know, and being pressured to communicate something they can’t only makes the situation more difficult.
Until we all learn the vocabulary and means necessary to communicate, until we all learn to be honest and expressive with our emotions, until we all learn to be accepting and non-judgmental of others emotional experiences, fine will be a necessary word in our emotional dialogue. But we must remember that “fine” can only really be understood in the context of the moment, the relationship, and the person speaking the words. So next time someone says “I’m fine,” I encourage you to take a moment before responding to tease out the real meaning of the word. And if, like me, you struggle with subtly, ask them directly “What does fine mean to you?”
